Those Words from A Dad That Rescued Me when I became a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for a year."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of becoming a dad.

But the truth quickly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Serious health issues around the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her chief support as well as looking after their infant son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he burnt out. It was a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.

The direct statement "You're not in a good spot. You must get support. In what way can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While people is now more comfortable talking about the pressure on mothers and about PND, not enough is spoken about the difficulties fathers go through.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a broader inability to communicate amongst men, who continue to absorb negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the space to ask for a pause - taking a short trip away, separate from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and interpret his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without stable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when younger to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the hurt.

"You gravitate to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, speak to a friend, your spouse or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical health - a good diet, staying active and when you can, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I believe my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are on this path."